Tribe

 

 

 

I've been hurt many times in my life. That's living though. We hurt and we hurt others. It's part of our sin nature. Over the years, I've learned that being hurt is just a part of life. but that Jesus can hold us through our pain.

 

I've always been more of a loner. Group gatherings and social events stress me out. I want to be with people, but more one on one. I've never had a lot of friends, but I've had a few good ones over the years. But mostly I've kept to myself. When Raegan and I started going to our church five years ago, I sat alone. I shook hands with people. I made super brief small talk, if I had to. I declined invites to Sunday School. And all of that was fine by me. I went, I worshipped, I left. My soul was recharged, my heart was content.

 

And then I met two ladies my age. We started to talk. Our children were friends, we had things in common. So we started to hang out. And I started to go to Sunday School. I started to go to the young adult group get-togethers. At first, hesitantly. At first, I can't say that I loved it. But I really enjoyed the company of my two friends, so I kept going. And then I started to enjoy it. Then I started to speak in Sunday School. Then I healed.

 

I walked away from the church for many years, because of how I was treated in the church in high school and college. In the folly of my youth, I looked to people instead of Jesus, and I turned my back on the One Thing that would have healed my pain. So to regularly go to church again, to enjoy church - this was something my soul needed. At some point over the last year and a half, I forgave the kids that hurt me in my high school youth group. I healed. I really believe that was God's purpose for me finding these two friends.

 

We all three talked about the concept of tribe. Sometimes family fails you. But you can make your own family. You can make your tribe - the people that choose to love you, that choose to be in your life. I thought I had found forever friends. The friendships I had seen others have - now I had it too.

 

Then something changed. Somewhere, somehow, something changed and something broke between me and one of my friends. I don't know how, I don't know what. It doesn't matter whose fault it was. Maybe it was nobody's fault. Now, in hindsight, I look back and I think it happened over the summer. But when you are in the moments, you don't always see the subtle signs that something is off. Wrong. So life went on, and everything looked the same. But then everything wasn't the same, and everything fell apart. And I found myself floundering without one of my friends. So I shut down and shut out and tucked tail, just like I always do when I'm hurting. Through my pastor and the other friend, my friend and I talked. I thought we moved past it, but I think we just slapped a bandage on the wound. Whatever broke was still there. For four weeks life went back seemingly to normal.

 

We promised we would all three talk if there was a problem. Work out issues and not let them fester like the first blow up. So one night I found myself hurt by them, and I shared with them. One friend accepted my pain. The other shut me out. We have not spoken about anything of consequence in the two weeks since that moment. There has been an undercurrent of my feelings not being okay for awhile now. Some things that were said about real problems, some things that were not said when I shared problems. But my feelings are real and valid, and my problems hurt me. I cannot and will not hide my true self from someone who is supposed to be my tribe. Maybe we would have come back from this. I don't know. But this time, I felt strongly in my heart that this was enough. We kept hurting each other, and it was no longer a healthy relationship. So I ended it. I told her that I hoped some day we could be there for each other again, but for now we needed to stop hurting each other.

 

I never got a response. So for a few days, I wallowed. I was so little to her that I didn't even deserve a response? My pastor told me I didn't really want that response. It would have wounded me more than I already am. My immediate reaction is to tuck tail and run. I have never been hurt more than I have been by other Christians, and I immediately want to curl up and protect my heart. When I was hurt in high school and college, they were nobodies. People who were unimportant to me. This was my best friend. So I told my pastor to hold me accountable. Make sure I'm at church. Make sure I'm not hiding and crying. He told me, "Hold your head high, come to church, and raise your girls." I whisper it to myself every morning. I've licked my wounds and begged Jesus to hold me through this. Every day it hurts, but every day He is there to wipe my tears and hold me.

 

Tribe does not mean what I thought it did. But I will not be bitter. I will not let this harden me or change me.

 

I am enough. I am made in God's image, and no matter what anyone thinks of me, I am enough to Him. I will write it on my heart every hour of every day until I believe it.

 

I am enough.

Beginning



In junior high and high school, I wrote in a journal. The happy times, the sad times, especially the sad times - it all went into my spiral bound notebooks. Writing has always been a way for me to cope with pain. It's my therapy. College came, and two jobs plus full class loads every semester meant no more journals. After college, I started blogging online to cope with my new role as a stepmother. And through that, I met some amazing women. Women that I consider to be forever friends. Ten years later, we still are there for each other. I have these friendships with women I have never met, but I consider to be among my greatest blessings.

When I had Raegan that blog ended, and I started one as a way to chronicle her milestones. It was mostly for my mama, but it also served as a digital baby book of sorts. Occasionally I shared my thoughts on parenting topics, but journaling for me took a back seat to my role as a mother. When Ava came along, I mostly abandoned the blog in favor of Facebook. Facebook became my digital baby book for Ava, which is why I can never delete it permanently.

So here I am, back to BlogSpot again. I have a paper journal that I have been writing in for the last two months as everything has fallen apart, but typing is so much quicker and easier.

Things are rough right now. This may not always be eloquent. I know my cries to God are jumbled and messy, but He hears them and holds me through my pain. I just want all of this out, in writing. I want to learn from all the crap. I want to grow in my relationship with Christ. I want to look back on this all someday and see the lessons I've learned, see how I've come out of the fire stronger. So here I am, splitting myself open.