Identity

I come across a lot of inspirational memes on Pinterest. When you pin enough of a certain type of thing, you start to get more of it on your Pinterest feed. So I see a lot of pins about letting go, silence, and being broken and alone. And some of them have really helped me as I figure out who I am, alone and separate from the relationships that were once such a huge part of my identity. Sometimes Bible verses show up in my feed, and they send me to Scripture, where God speaks to me over and over. And sometimes I come across little phrases or quotes. Not by anyone famous, but just a brief sentence that gives me peace. The quote above really spoke to my heart. It was what I needed on that exact day I found it. A little nudge to keep going.

My choice to step back from relationships that were causing me so much pain has never really been about those friends. It's been about me. There was never a defining moment where they did something that cause me to say enough. There was a defining moment when I said, "This is not what I want for my life." This relationship has been a source of pain for me since last fall. Why do I clutch so tightly to something that hurts me so much? I've been trying to fit myself into the confines of the relationship, and making myself miserable in the process. I think that part of my healing in all of this is realizing that I have value. I may not be of value to the people I wish saw me that way, but that doesn't diminish my worth. The right friendship doesn't make you cry. Doesn't make you feel left out or lonely or unwanted. I cannot make them give me the friendship I desire, no more than I can make myself into someone they will see as important enough to give their time to. Nor should I make myself into someone that I am not.

I am fearfully and wonderfully made in God's image. I am imperfect, yet pretty awesome. I am who I am. I can be alone and be happy. There is strength in my decision to cut myself loose and find out who I am. And if I say it enough times, I will believe it someday.

Unintentional Wounds

There are people in everyone's lives who hurt them. We all have had a relationship with someone where they have willfully hurt us. For whatever reason, they lash out at you and it cuts you to your core and you hurt. It's intentional. It's painful. You bleed.

But I think there is something even more painful than those intentional wounds inflicted on us. I think the wounds that loved ones don't mean to inflict on us hurt us even more. When that person isn't trying to hurt you. When that person actually has no clue that they have caused you pain. But who they are and who you are just aren't meshing, and it hurts. It's unintentional, but nevertheless. It's painful. You bleed.

I've been in a friendship where I've been purposefully hurt. Where that person said words designed to hurt me and intentionally turned away from me. And I thought that hurt more than anything I had went through at that point in my life. I thought that was pain. But it turns out, the unintentional moments hurt a thousand times more. Because I'm going through that right now. Careless, thoughtless actions, not designed to hurt me. But they do. Actions that a thousand times over say, "You aren't actually important to me." And the part that is cutting me to the quick is that they say they love me. They say they care. And maybe it's just me. Maybe there's something so broken in me that I always perceive people hurting me. But my perception is that my presence is not actually that important. I would be a part of planning things if I were an equal in the relationship. I would be at the top of the list instead of a last minute invite. I would always be asked to join in, instead of occasionally being an afterthought.

I believe this person when they say they love me. But I guess it's not the kind of love I'm looking for. I don't want a friendship where I feel like a third wheel. I don't want a friendship where I feel unnecessary. So I have chosen to bow out. Quietly letting this thing that was once such a big part of my life die. There is no purpose to confrontation. Who they are won't change. Who I am won't change. I think I was the square peg that we all tried to jam into a round hole for too long. I think I've settled for too long. The day that I realized that settling was making me miserable was the day I decided to bow out.

Right now, it hurts. Oh, does it hurt. Figuring out who I am without people that were such an integral part of my life hurts. But it's a different kind of hurt. I would rather be alone, then feel alone in a group of people that are supposed to be my friends.

I've been thinking about this Robin Williams quote a lot lately. I think this hurt will eventually serve a purpose. I think I'll be happier than I was before. But for now, it's painful. I'm bleeding.

Time to Choose Joy

Feeling as if I do not matter to most people has been a constant theme in my life. A million times over I've been shown that my presence, or my absence, does not matter to people. I'm the person that leaves a job of nine years with no card, no goodbye party, nothing. I'm the person whose 30th birthday passes with most of the world being unaware that it happened. Actually, most birthdays pass that way. I'm not missed at church. I'm not thanked for extra effort on projects, or even for projects that I put my heart and soul into. I don't say this as a "feel sorry for me" post. Every single one of these events has happened. And they're just a part of who I am.

Most of the time I'm fine. I mean, this is not new. This has been a reoccurring theme since high school. Maybe it's because I'm quiet. Maybe it's because I don't draw attention to myself. Maybe I surround myself with the wrong friends. I would say that logically, it's probably a combination of all of the above.

But some days, enough instances build up and it all just crashes down on me. I start looking at myself. That nasty, cruel little whisper starts up in my head. What's so wrong with me that I'm no one's first choice? What is it about my personality that is so undesirable to people? Why doesn't anyone want me around? And on, and on, and on. I go down the rabbit hole, and I cannot find my way out.

I've been in this dark place for the last month. And this time, no matter how much I fight back, I cannot stop the voices from whispering. I cannot find the joy in life. No matter how many times I tell myself that I matter to my daughters, that I matter to God, I just can't say it loud enough to drown out those voices. They don't whisper anymore. They scream. And I cannot hear anything but those screams. I want to. I try to tell myself different. But I just cannot make my voice heard.

And then yesterday, I finally heard something above that constant cruel voice talking about my worthlessness. It wasn't my own voice that finally broke through. It was the parent of one of my students. I went with this family to kindergarten round up. I kept their student entertained and happy while they listened to the information for next year. It wasn't a big deal. Or I didn't think so. But yesterday while I was talking to the mom, she told me, in a wobbly voice, how very grateful she was. How much it meant to them.

And I realized. I do matter. I do have a purpose. I do make a difference. People do care about my presence. It may not be the people that I wish cared. But why am I letting my self-worth be determined by certain people? I am not this person that no one cares about. I am making a difference in at least one life. And that's enough. I am enough to someone.

I'm done fighting for relationships that are hurting me. I just have to be. If I let my self-worth get so wrapped up in those relationships, and all I do is get hurt over and over, then those are not healthy relationships. It's time for me to be well. The last couple months have been painful and hard and dark. And I want to be done with those feelings. I want to choose joy. I want to choose happiness. Even if it's not the relationships and the happiness that I wanted. Life looks different than how I thought it would, but that doesn't mean it's bad.

Time to choose joy.