Last weekend was hard. I thought I was fine. I had talked with my pastor. I had clarity. I had a plan. I was praying every single day - for myself. For my happiness. For my former friend's happiness. It was an insanely busy week at work, which was keeping my mind off things. I was fine.
Friday evening I had to go to a church event that involved the former friend. And it was fine. I was fine. We rotated around the room and didn't interact and it was fine. I went home and my husband was sick. Like, couldn't move, couldn't function sick. Saturday morning, when I was supposed to get to sleep in, I was up at 6:00 with my youngest. And as the morning wore on, it became apparent that my husband's non-functioning state was going to continue. The realization that I was going to be navigating Halloween and a full weekend of facing my former friend alone hit me like a ton of bricks. And I was not fine. Not at all.
I spent the better part of an hour that afternoon in a panic attack. Sobbing. Feeling like I had hit a wall and I couldn't do this for one moment longer. The thought of holding it together alone and facing my friend over and over and over all weekend just made me feel sick. So I called my mom. I asked her to come trick or treat with us at the church and to basically hold my hand.
I fell apart, and my mom showed up and picked up all my pieces and put me back together. She didn't literally hold my hand, but I swear I could almost feel her hand in mine the entire time we were at my church. She took my younger daughter and kept her entertained so that I could do the activities with my older daughter. She checked in with me three or four times and asked if I was okay. She kept saying, "You got this. You got this baby."
And I did. About ten minutes in, I got my strength back. The certainty that I had been feeling, that I could survive this, that ending this friendship was the right thing for both of us, returned. And the last time that my mom touched my back and whispered, "You got this" to me, I said, "I know. I've got this."
So here's the blessing in all this pain. I got my mama back. For the last several years, she hadn't been nearly as present in my life, or my daughters' lives. Her job was so stressful to her that she couldn't function outside of it, because it was taking all of her energy to get through each day. Her stress was so high that her health was a mess. This last summer she quit her job and we started to see her more and more. Then this school year when everything fell apart with my friend, my mom was there to take over on taking my oldest daughter to school (something my friend has been doing before). And in the last two weeks, my mom has been there for me. Sending me encouraging messages. Bringing me a coffee cup and Halloween towels. And holding me up and getting me through an evening that I thought I couldn't bear. I am blessed beyond measure. And if all of this pain means I have my mama back, then so be it. My oldest daughter is so much more at peace. She is so much calmer with my mom taking her to school. That extra attention my mom can give her one on one after I walk out the door in the morning has helped my daughter blossom and flourish. Her anxiety has gone down so much in the last two weeks.
My mom pieced me back together so well that I was able to face three more social interactions with my former friend. And even enjoy myself. I went to church and Sunday School and lunch and enjoyed myself. It is different now. But different doesn't always have to be bad. So I will continue to focus on the blessings that have come from my pain. I will continue to pray every day. For myself. For my friend. For our peace, separate from each other. For our futures, separate from each other. It is okay. It will continue to be okay. God has a purpose for this. His Hand is in it. I can see the good. I may still not be seeing the full picture, the entire story. But I know there is a reason for all of this. I know that God can take something miserable and turn it into something beneficial and beautiful.
So I'm here God. Waiting. Watching. Sure in the knowledge that You are here. That something new will be born from this. Take it all Lord. It's Yours.
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