Enough

Enough.

The concept of enough has been something that has been on my mind a lot for the last month. Or actually, the concept of not enough.

Here's the thing about depression. It starts out as a whisper. A little whisper pointing out your fears. Your insecurities. And then the whisper gets louder. Until it becomes a shout that drowns out anything good that anyone else might say about you. Or anything good you might say about yourself. All you can hear is that voice shouting. And you think, well if all I can hear is that voice, then surely that's all anyone else can hear either. That voice, yelling out all your faults, becomes your reality.

I had this friend. Who became what I thought would be a forever friend. Who I thought saw my flaws and accepted them and embraced me for me. I was enough. Then, one day, I wasn't. We had a disagreement, and that was the end of the friendship. No talking about it. No finality to it. She turned her back on me and that was the end of that. The whispering voice of my depression, the one I hadn't heard for years, popped its head up and starting telling me all the ways in which I wasn't enough.

If someone who said they were your best friend can drop you overnight, then why would anybody want to keep you in their life? If this person who claimed to love you and embraced you in spite of your flas decided you weren't worth talking through a disagreement, then why would anybody put any effort into a relationship with you? You weren't enough for her to want to try to work things out.

And on, and on and on. And then came the thought that almost broke me:

If this friend decides you aren't enough, what's to keep the other friend from deciding the same?

I finally texted that friend and told her that I am convinced that one day she will wake up and realize the other friend was right. That I am a bad friend. That I'm not worth hanging around for. That all my faults are too much. We talked and she assured me that she cares about me and she wants my friendship. But that hateful voice continues to tell me that someday she will realize that I'm not worth it. I'm not enough.

Almost daily for the last month I have cried out to Jesus and reminded myself that to Him, I am enough. What does it matter how a single person feels about me? Jesus has accepted me for who I am. All of my sins, all of my flaws, and I am still enough to Him. One person's view of me is not how God sees me. It is a hard shift for me to make. For years I went without close friends. I was content with superficial acquaintances and a few friends, but not friends that I let all the way in. Then I met these two ladies, and I found the friendship I have always envied others for having. I thought I had friends to grow old with, to have inside, lifelong jokes with. I didn't realize it at the time, but I wrapped up too much of my self-worth in fallible human beings. And when one hurt me, I let it define my whole self. So now that I am laid flat, I am begging God to remind me daily, hourly, that the only one I need to be enough for is Him.

I am enough.