Some Days

Some days life is good. Things go smoothly. Work is easy. My oldest daughter is at peace with herself and the world. My husband and I connect and compromise. My house stays relatively clean. I have a good conversation with a close friend. Life is good.

Some days life is amazing. I laugh and play with my daughters. A student at school masters a new skill and strikes out to do something new and amazing. I share my heart with a friend and she shares back. I laugh and I live and I love. Life is amazing.

Some days life just is. Events are neither good nor bad. Neither easy nor hard. I just exist through the day - no noticeable happiness, but no struggles either. This may sound boring. This may sound like a negative thing. But it's not. If I can't find happiness on any day, I long for the mundane bland days. I like when life just is.

Some days life is hard. From the moment my feet hit the floor, it's one struggle after another. My daughters struggle through our morning routine. Their tears feel like an outward expression of my heart in those moments. I wish I could lay down on the floor and cry too. My students at work are out of sorts. Their entire school day is a struggle to get from point A to point B, and we never quite connect and figure it out. My husband and I struggle to compromise and see each other's perspective. My day feels full and I feel that I never stop. Life is hard.

And some days life is unbearable. Usually these days follow right behind the hard days. If life is hard for enough days, even if the hard moments are all small and inconsequential, then life becomes unbearable. My demons start to whisper to me. Remind me of the pain in my heart right now. I yelled at my oldest daughter. I spent an extra fifteen minutes outside at recess but I couldn't get my students centered enough to do small groups. Supper involved macaroni and cheese. My living room floor is a landmine. My laundry is nowhere close to being caught up. And my demons whisper - "You couldn't make it through this day without falling apart. No wonder no one seems to care about your presence or absence. No wonder you and your husband fight. You are not enough for anyone." Life is unbearable.

Right now, there are a lot of unbearable days. There are a lot of good and just is days, but there are an equal number of unbearable days. I haven't been in this place for many years. Where the effort to throw my blankets off of me and get out of bed in the morning feels like too much. Where I cannot, cannot, cannot see what God sees in me. Where I cannot see anything but pain and ugliness. I'm not so low that I don't feel God. I can feel Him holding me. But I cannot take his presence as the hope I need to crawl out from this darkness and go on. I see Him, but right behind him I see all the pain, all the hurt, all the ways I am broken and not enough.

So I keep praying. Begging. Lord, make the darkness go. Because right now, He is the only One who can. I know hope is here. I can see it. I just can't quite touch it. But as long as I have the will to try to reach my hand towards it every day, I am not so far gone. Life can just be again. And then someday, life can be good and amazing again.