Time to Choose Joy

Feeling as if I do not matter to most people has been a constant theme in my life. A million times over I've been shown that my presence, or my absence, does not matter to people. I'm the person that leaves a job of nine years with no card, no goodbye party, nothing. I'm the person whose 30th birthday passes with most of the world being unaware that it happened. Actually, most birthdays pass that way. I'm not missed at church. I'm not thanked for extra effort on projects, or even for projects that I put my heart and soul into. I don't say this as a "feel sorry for me" post. Every single one of these events has happened. And they're just a part of who I am.

Most of the time I'm fine. I mean, this is not new. This has been a reoccurring theme since high school. Maybe it's because I'm quiet. Maybe it's because I don't draw attention to myself. Maybe I surround myself with the wrong friends. I would say that logically, it's probably a combination of all of the above.

But some days, enough instances build up and it all just crashes down on me. I start looking at myself. That nasty, cruel little whisper starts up in my head. What's so wrong with me that I'm no one's first choice? What is it about my personality that is so undesirable to people? Why doesn't anyone want me around? And on, and on, and on. I go down the rabbit hole, and I cannot find my way out.

I've been in this dark place for the last month. And this time, no matter how much I fight back, I cannot stop the voices from whispering. I cannot find the joy in life. No matter how many times I tell myself that I matter to my daughters, that I matter to God, I just can't say it loud enough to drown out those voices. They don't whisper anymore. They scream. And I cannot hear anything but those screams. I want to. I try to tell myself different. But I just cannot make my voice heard.

And then yesterday, I finally heard something above that constant cruel voice talking about my worthlessness. It wasn't my own voice that finally broke through. It was the parent of one of my students. I went with this family to kindergarten round up. I kept their student entertained and happy while they listened to the information for next year. It wasn't a big deal. Or I didn't think so. But yesterday while I was talking to the mom, she told me, in a wobbly voice, how very grateful she was. How much it meant to them.

And I realized. I do matter. I do have a purpose. I do make a difference. People do care about my presence. It may not be the people that I wish cared. But why am I letting my self-worth be determined by certain people? I am not this person that no one cares about. I am making a difference in at least one life. And that's enough. I am enough to someone.

I'm done fighting for relationships that are hurting me. I just have to be. If I let my self-worth get so wrapped up in those relationships, and all I do is get hurt over and over, then those are not healthy relationships. It's time for me to be well. The last couple months have been painful and hard and dark. And I want to be done with those feelings. I want to choose joy. I want to choose happiness. Even if it's not the relationships and the happiness that I wanted. Life looks different than how I thought it would, but that doesn't mean it's bad.

Time to choose joy.