Identity

I come across a lot of inspirational memes on Pinterest. When you pin enough of a certain type of thing, you start to get more of it on your Pinterest feed. So I see a lot of pins about letting go, silence, and being broken and alone. And some of them have really helped me as I figure out who I am, alone and separate from the relationships that were once such a huge part of my identity. Sometimes Bible verses show up in my feed, and they send me to Scripture, where God speaks to me over and over. And sometimes I come across little phrases or quotes. Not by anyone famous, but just a brief sentence that gives me peace. The quote above really spoke to my heart. It was what I needed on that exact day I found it. A little nudge to keep going.

My choice to step back from relationships that were causing me so much pain has never really been about those friends. It's been about me. There was never a defining moment where they did something that cause me to say enough. There was a defining moment when I said, "This is not what I want for my life." This relationship has been a source of pain for me since last fall. Why do I clutch so tightly to something that hurts me so much? I've been trying to fit myself into the confines of the relationship, and making myself miserable in the process. I think that part of my healing in all of this is realizing that I have value. I may not be of value to the people I wish saw me that way, but that doesn't diminish my worth. The right friendship doesn't make you cry. Doesn't make you feel left out or lonely or unwanted. I cannot make them give me the friendship I desire, no more than I can make myself into someone they will see as important enough to give their time to. Nor should I make myself into someone that I am not.

I am fearfully and wonderfully made in God's image. I am imperfect, yet pretty awesome. I am who I am. I can be alone and be happy. There is strength in my decision to cut myself loose and find out who I am. And if I say it enough times, I will believe it someday.