Unintentional Wounds

There are people in everyone's lives who hurt them. We all have had a relationship with someone where they have willfully hurt us. For whatever reason, they lash out at you and it cuts you to your core and you hurt. It's intentional. It's painful. You bleed.

But I think there is something even more painful than those intentional wounds inflicted on us. I think the wounds that loved ones don't mean to inflict on us hurt us even more. When that person isn't trying to hurt you. When that person actually has no clue that they have caused you pain. But who they are and who you are just aren't meshing, and it hurts. It's unintentional, but nevertheless. It's painful. You bleed.

I've been in a friendship where I've been purposefully hurt. Where that person said words designed to hurt me and intentionally turned away from me. And I thought that hurt more than anything I had went through at that point in my life. I thought that was pain. But it turns out, the unintentional moments hurt a thousand times more. Because I'm going through that right now. Careless, thoughtless actions, not designed to hurt me. But they do. Actions that a thousand times over say, "You aren't actually important to me." And the part that is cutting me to the quick is that they say they love me. They say they care. And maybe it's just me. Maybe there's something so broken in me that I always perceive people hurting me. But my perception is that my presence is not actually that important. I would be a part of planning things if I were an equal in the relationship. I would be at the top of the list instead of a last minute invite. I would always be asked to join in, instead of occasionally being an afterthought.

I believe this person when they say they love me. But I guess it's not the kind of love I'm looking for. I don't want a friendship where I feel like a third wheel. I don't want a friendship where I feel unnecessary. So I have chosen to bow out. Quietly letting this thing that was once such a big part of my life die. There is no purpose to confrontation. Who they are won't change. Who I am won't change. I think I was the square peg that we all tried to jam into a round hole for too long. I think I've settled for too long. The day that I realized that settling was making me miserable was the day I decided to bow out.

Right now, it hurts. Oh, does it hurt. Figuring out who I am without people that were such an integral part of my life hurts. But it's a different kind of hurt. I would rather be alone, then feel alone in a group of people that are supposed to be my friends.

I've been thinking about this Robin Williams quote a lot lately. I think this hurt will eventually serve a purpose. I think I'll be happier than I was before. But for now, it's painful. I'm bleeding.